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We’ve all experienced loss one way or another. You might have lost your keys, or lost a friend who moved away. There’s tons of ways to experience loss, but today, let’s discuss the passing of a loved one.

I spent 20 years loving my Nanny. She was my grandmother but we always called her “Nan.” Her laughter was contagious, and her personality was top notch. If you had met her, there’s no way NOT to love her. She was my best friend.

Let me start by describing my grandmother. You know those types of people that always want to see the best in everyone? Well, that was her. She loved endlessly. She wanted everyone to get along, and she’d do anything for her family. No matter how many times she was hurt by someone, she still wanted them happy. She helped shape me into the woman I am today. I’m proud of who I am, thanks to her and a few other powerful, beautiful, women. My nanny taught me to be independent. She always voiced to me that there was nothing in this world I couldn’t do, as long as I wanted it, I could work hard and have it. She believed in me like no one else. She thought all of her grandchildren were amazing. She believed we could all conquer the world. But now, how do we do that without her?

Loss can be a horrific thing. I was 6 months, almost 7 months pregnant when I lost her. She was so excited to meet my son. I was her first grandchild, having her first GREAT grandchild. I would call her frequently just to see what she was up to, and she’d do the same. She always wanted to see my belly. She lived two hours away from me, but I still went there during most of my pregnancy to stay. I spent a lot of time with my nanny and her sister. In a way, I didn’t feel like I was meant to enjoy the birthing of my son. How are you supposed to celebrate this new life when you just lost one? I know that sounds a bit harsh, but I was terrified that if I embraced my sons arrival, that I was embracing her passing, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to forget her. I also didn’t want it to consume my thoughts and fog the blessing that was right in front of me. I know she would want us to be happy and to get all of the baby hugs and kisses, but there’s still that pit inside of you, you know? I felt selfish enjoying being a mom, because she wanted so badly to be there with me and my son. It was a lot of “do you even deserve this,” type of thing.

My Nanny was the first person I had ever lost that I was close to. I had been to family funerals before, but nothing like this. I could feel my heart shattering inside of my chest. I couldn’t catch my breath, all while being scared that if I stress too much, something would happen to my baby. Everyone wanted me to be calm, but it’s so hard. I would sit and stare into space wondering why she had to leave so soon. I couldn’t take part in any form of conversation. Hearing how sorry everyone was, it was getting overwhelming. They were setting something in stone that my mind was not ready to accept. It’s like the moment she passed, every memory with her that I had made flooded through my mind. Every small thing had a memory attached with her. It was really hard trying to stay level headed.

I catch myself still talking to her. My son is one now, and every new thing he does, I will look up to her and ask if she saw. I believe she’s still here. I believe she watches over us and keeps us safe. I had a picture of her sitting in my living room. It was really hard at first to look at it, so it sat under my end table, where it wasn’t quite visible unless you purposely bent down to look at it. I’ve gotten better. The picture now sits on my display shelf, you can’t miss her beautiful face. Declan knows who she is. He knows that picture is of his Nan. I will always remind him of how much she wanted to know him, and how much he was loved by her, before they even met. Her memory will never fade in my house.

Loss sucks. There’s not really any cure besides time. I know not everyone wants to hear that, but it’s true. The loss of my nanny taught me, that not everything can be fixed with kind words, and “i’m sorry’s.” Even with time, you will still have those days where you just want to curl up and cry for a week because you miss someone who you can no longer speak with. Loss teaches you to value the ones you still have time with. Make every day great. Make memories with your loved ones, because one day, that’s all you will have left. The hole inside of your heart may never completely heal, but it is possible to learn to deal with losing someone. It’s not easy. It’s not meant to be when you care for someone so much. Just hold on. Keep those memories alive. You don’t have to forget someone to heal. You don’t have to let the loss consume you, either. Think of all the happy times, and the love that was shared. Continue sharing that love and the laughter with the ones still around you. Everyone grieves differently. Just remember, we have the power to make any situation a little better than it actually is. You can wallow in the sadness, or you can choose to keep the memory alive and continue sharing the love that your loved one gave to you.

First time mothers, we’ve all been warned of the vile “Postpartum Depression.” Don’t take the warnings lightly, it can happen to any of us. Myself, I experienced a tad bit of depression after having my son. I wasn’t even aware that it was happening until I voiced it to my mother.

It all started for me, when I was becoming so tired just after doing the smallest of tasks. I was and still am a “SAHM.” I was with my son all hours of the day. We’ve been stuck to each other’s side from the moment he was born. The first week he was born, and maybe even the first month, he was waking up every two hours for a bottle and a new diaper. Not uncommon for newborns, but very uncommon for me. I was having a hard time adjusting to a new sleep schedule I guess you could say. My husband did help, don’t get me wrong. We would take our turns getting him. This spiked my feelings of depression just because my husband has to wake up at 5:30 every morning for work. I felt like I was adding stress to his days, when it should’ve just been me. I mean, I don’t have to wake up at 5:30 A.M. and stay out to work until evening hours, so why was I making him help? It would eat at my soul thinking I was incapable of taking care of my son by myself. I would constantly ask myself “Why do you let him get our son? You are able to nap throughout the day, he isn’t. GET HIM YOURSELF!” I became moody, and was unable to carry a decent conversation with my husband. None of it was his fault, it was my own. I was becoming mean.

Adding on to the moodiness, and being tired, there were tears. I had cried so much just feeling hopeless. My son would cry and I couldn’t understand why. I was unable to stop him sometimes, or to comfort him completely. I began to feel like I was in no way, shape, or form, a good mother. I didn’t even feel like I was decent at being a mom. It was just me and Declan sitting here all day. My husband was able to go out and communicate with other adults. He made friends. He was free of anything “baby” related for hours at a time, each day. It made me sad. I became envious of the fact that he was able to get away each day. I love my son more than anything in this world, but at the time, I was being selfish. I was thinking only of me. How I was feeling, not anyone else. I started missing my freedom before him. I was living my life as a young adult through girls I followed on Instagram. Seeing them all dressed up, and going out with friends. I wasn’t even able to wear jeans anymore, and never had the time to fix my hair or put makeup on. I felt alone, I guess you could say. I was scared.

Speaking of living through others, I became obsessed with the way my body had changed, and not in a good way. I had stretch marks, love handles, and a pooch on my belly. I was miserable. I felt so disgusted by my own appearance that I wouldn’t even look at myself in the mirror for months. I steered clear of anyone taking photographs. I wouldn’t even show myself on Facetime with family members. I began watching these moms on Youtube, and just wondered how they did it, was it even real? They had all the cleaning done, they were skinny and beautiful and had just popped a baby out a couple weeks ago, and their children seemed so perfect. I didn’t understand how they were managing all of that, and I wasn’t even able to get the clothes out of the dryer that had been in there for three days. I had endless amounts of things that needed done throughout each day. With a baby, those things get postponed. What ever I was doing, I had to stop the moment my son awoke. He needed all of my attention, so I gave it to him. I didn’t understand the importance of self care.

My son was about three or four months old before I started realizing I needed some me time. Things that don’t require tending to him every second of every day. I laid out a schedule, and informed my husband it needed to be done. I was on antidepressants which did help, but not nearly as much as I was hoping. I was still having these moments of depression and anxiety. I planned nights for myself to enjoy a bubble bath, a glass of wine and face masks, two or three times a week. I found myself unable to enjoy them though, because the moment my son would cry and I could hear him from the bathroom, I needed to come to him. I know my husband is very capable of caring for our son, but as a mother, someone who is with him all hours of every day, I feel like he needs me the most. Whether he realizes it or not, that’s what I think. I’ve grown to know the difference between my sons cries, and when he babbles little words, I know what he means. When he makes certain gestures, I understand what he wants. I’ve molded myself to be THAT mom. The one that never WANTS to leave his side, no matter how I feel, or what I have previously said. I am the mother that wants all things good for my son. He comes before me.

So mommas, if you’ve felt this way, or something similar, just know you aren’t alone. A baby is a huge shift in your daily life. I’ve learned that I am actually a damn good mother. He’s very healthy, well taken care of and has more than he needs. I take pride in being Declan’s mom. Yes, self care is important. Start with the smalls things. For me, a cup of coffee early in the morning while my son drinks his bottle is more than enough. It knocks my daily tasks into place. It takes time, and it takes work, but one day, you will be okay! Every sad thought that has ran through your head after your baby, it will all make sense. YOU are a great mother, and YOU will make it through. Take a deep breath, sip a hot cup of coffee or tea, and look at your sweet baby… You don’t want to be anywhere else. You’re right where you belong, which is exactly how I feel. One day your baby will no longer be a baby, and they won’t need you as much as they do now. Enjoy every speck of what raising a baby takes. It takes a lot, and we can all do it!

You read that title and thought wow.. no way, but indeed, yes way.

My husbands name is John. He’s very loving, caring, and respectful. He is two years older than me, and he’s honestly the better part of me. If you want to know just how I snagged this beautiful man, keep reading…

It started back in high school. Most of us girls know that one guy that tries so hard to be with us, but he’s just not our “type.” That was John for me. We were friends on snapchat, and he followed me on Instagram for years, such a romantic start. What would we do without social media? Anyway, he would consistently ask me to hangout and my response was always “Ehh I’m busy, but maybe some other time,” knowing good and well I was not going to hangout with him. I would post a “selfie” on my Snapchat story and he’d always reply with heart eyes emoji, or tell me I was beautiful. You’re probably thinking “okay Hannah, he’s sweet, why didn’t you bother giving him a chance then?” We’ll for starters, he had a reputation, and not a good one if you ask me. I knew about all of the girls he would hang around, or talked to. We went to two completely different school districts but word still travelled. I didn’t want that. I was also in and out of a “serious” relationship (if you can even call it that) for 4 years. That’s all I had known. I continued to ignore him. I graduated high school and he was still calling me pretty on my Snapchat. I moved 2 hours away from my hometown, and finally deleted him. I was in the same town as my then boyfriend. Life happened and I was there for a while. Never heard anything else from him. He had a “girlfriend” anyway. They were always talking and being cute on Twitter.

2018 comes, I’m single, back in my hometown, and enjoying myself. January the 7th he had posted a picture on the Gram and I slid right into his DM’s. Why the change of heart? I wanted something different, something new. I was always in the same circle with the same people. Call it adventurous. I told him he was cute, he said I was cute. He accused me of blocking him on Snapchat, which I did NOT, but I had deleted him, so I added him back. We exchanged numbers a week later. I didn’t give my phone number to just anyone. I could tell from the start of our conversations that he was so goofy. He was always making me laugh. He had just lost his job, and I tried to encourage him, and let him know there are other things to do out there. I was supportive of every idea that he had. I laid my whole life on the table from the start, because trust me, it was a mess, and if he didn’t want any part of it, he needed to decide then and there. Still January, my cousin was coming down for a weekend visit, and her and I were just going to chill. I went to meet her so she could follow me to my house, and then John messaged me. He had a spur of the moment idea to drive 35 minutes to my town so he could see me.. FOR THE FIRST TIME. We had never met in real life. It was all just over social media. I told Alexis, and invited her along with me. I was so nervous, and I NEVER get nervous. He picked us up and we drove to Steak N’ Shake for some milkshakes of course. I shared one with my cousin. I couldn’t even make eye contact. I had so many butterflies in my stomach. He was so cute, and he seemed just as sweet as he was over texts. He left and I just knew I HAD to have him. Two days later, I was spending the night with him. Just TWO days..

Everything with John seemed so easy. We laughed and just really enjoyed each other. We kept everything private. No one knew I was spending time with him like that, except my mom and my cousin. It was fun. The first night, we barely touched each other, I mean duh, it was the first night. I did end up kissing him before we fell asleep and he just smiled and said “I was afraid you weren’t going to kiss me.” It just felt right. You know when you just KNOW you’re meant to do something? Well being with John is something I just KNEW that I needed. From that day on, we spent almost every single day together. I was heartbroken when he told me about joining the military. I was afraid that being apart, he would realize he didn’t need me. Me being selfish of course. February 19th he was leaving. We had to drop him off in a different state to get ready to go to Basic Training. I cried. He even cried. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry, and I wasn’t a fan to say the least. I wanted him happy. I wanted him to know I was here for him. He hadn’t even asked me to be his girlfriend yet, but I still felt like that was my place. It was my place to support and love him. I had wanted to tell him I loved him from the start, but it was too early. It was just a feeling he gave to me. The day we were dropping him off is the day he asked me to be his girl. Of course I said yes. I wanted so badly to be with him. I think it was his test of “how much does she really want me.” He was leaving for 9 months.

He was in basic now, writing me letters and calling every chance he had. Many nights I cried just wanting to be with him. I grew so attached to him in such a short amount of time. It was scary. I had never felt that way about any other person my entire life. The second week of March I started having “weird” things happen to me. I couldn’t eat my favorite foods, I had to constantly use the bathroom. I couldn’t smoke cigarettes anymore without gagging. I couldn’t even button my pants, I felt so bloated. On March 19th I took 4 pregnancy tests. FOUR. All positive within just seconds. I was so afraid. Would he want to still be with me? Will he be okay? That’s a big responsibility, I didn’t want to take his whole young life away to help me raise a baby. After I did a blood test just to be 100% sure (like I needed it), I broke the news to John. He was so excited. It was such a relief that he was willing to be partners with me now, for eternity. We were having a baby!

Months go on, and I’m able to travel to Oklahoma to watch my soulmate graduate and continue on to AIT. It was the first time we had laid eyes on each other in months, and I was already showing a little bit. It was a miserable car ride there, and I was in a mood. I felt bad because we were supposed to be having fun, and celebrating Johns achievement. We stayed for a couple days. I was so tired most of the time and wasn’t in the mood for much, but he never failed to make me smile. Once we left and he began AIT, he was able to text or call me every night. He always wanted “bumpdates” of the baby. I felt so insecure gaining my pregnancy weight, because I had always been pretty thin. He always made me feel beautiful though.

He was able to come back to our hometowns for a visit before going on to Texas to begin learning more of his job. It was late August. I had just recently lost my Nanny. I was a complete mess, but he kept me grounded. He always made it clear that there is a light at the end of any tunnel, and he travelled each of those tunnels with me. September 6th, we said “I do.” I was scared at first. His mom pressured the whole getting married situation because of the baby. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that kind of commitment for the wrong reasons. I mean, he’d be marrying me, not the baby. Does that make sense? I wanted him to WANT to marry me because he loved me, endlessly. I wanted him to be sure that I was everything he wanted and then some. I needed him to realize the changes that meant, for us, as a unit. We were in our early twenties, so I wanted him to be 100% sure that his early years and being young, that was over. We were having a baby and marriage was talked about here and there. He insisted he wanted to marry me for the right reasons. I held off for months before I even entertained the conversation of saying “I do.” My grandfather was the one to marry us. It was important and special to me that he was able to do that, considering I had just lost my nanny. I wanted it at her home. I spent my whole pregnancy with her, basically, and it just felt right to do it that way.

November 6th, John had came home the day before, and boom! It’s time for baby! My beautiful boy was born November the 6th at 11:11 p.m. He was my entire world just wrapped up in a little receiving blanket. He looked so much like his daddy, and he still does. He’s Johns little clone just walking around. The Erni’s were now 3. We were parents. We were so full of happiness. A week after Declan, that’s my sons name, was born, we moved to Texas to be with John. I didn’t want to raise my son without his daddy, even though my whole family as well as Johns were somewhere else, I wanted to be there, with him. He was going to be stationed in Texas for three years. I had the chance to let him be with his son, so I took it. I don’t regret it, but I do miss my family sometimes, and the help I would’ve gotten from them. I’m happy to be here, with my little family, don’t get me wrong!

Anyway, morale of the story is, ladies, give that guy a chance. The buggy guy who always says you’re pretty, and wants to hangout every chance they get. You never know, that could be the one. John was my one. I will forever love him. It’s not just this little “young” love, we “don’t know what we want” type of thing. We married. We have a family. Despite our age, he makes me the happiest. He’s changed my view on life, and the way I approach my problems. We learn and we grow, together. Always & Forever.

Hello my lovely people. If you happen to stumble upon this blog, welcome to the introduction.

My name is Hannah Michelle, but you can call me Hanny. I’m not quite sure how that stuck to me, but it’s also my instagram handle, so. I just wanted to quickly introduce myself. I am a 22 year old wife and mother. My son recently turned one over a month ago. It is crazy how time just flies by since he’s been born. Referring to my blogs title, you probably either think i’m in the military and a mother, or the correct answer, a military wife and a mother. My husband is currently serving, and i’m gladly along with him on this journey. We are in Texas as of right now. He’s leaving soon for a nine month deployment and part of me is excited for him to experience more of his job title, but the other part knows just how much I will miss him.

You’re probably wondering why I just started blogging, and if not, here’s why anyway… I have always enjoyed writing, especially diaries. It’s been years since I have written anything of the sort. My life is not exactly SUPER exciting, but I find it very enjoyable, especially the last couple of years. I just want to share my journey as a growing wife, and mother, as well as just human. If you’re interested, travel through my memories with me, connect with me, and maybe get some great advice or tips along the way! I know several new moms, and several new wives who might feel like I have once felt. The weight of the world sits heavily on the shoulders of most of us. I have moved a whole day (24 hours) away from my family, so let me express to you the importance of talking about things, even if it’s to your self. Take a deep breath, exhale, and come along with me.

Until next time