Heavenly Whispers

We’ve all experienced loss one way or another. You might have lost your keys, or lost a friend who moved away. There’s tons of ways to experience loss, but today, let’s discuss the passing of a loved one.

I spent 20 years loving my Nanny. She was my grandmother but we always called her “Nan.” Her laughter was contagious, and her personality was top notch. If you had met her, there’s no way NOT to love her. She was my best friend.

Let me start by describing my grandmother. You know those types of people that always want to see the best in everyone? Well, that was her. She loved endlessly. She wanted everyone to get along, and she’d do anything for her family. No matter how many times she was hurt by someone, she still wanted them happy. She helped shape me into the woman I am today. I’m proud of who I am, thanks to her and a few other powerful, beautiful, women. My nanny taught me to be independent. She always voiced to me that there was nothing in this world I couldn’t do, as long as I wanted it, I could work hard and have it. She believed in me like no one else. She thought all of her grandchildren were amazing. She believed we could all conquer the world. But now, how do we do that without her?

Loss can be a horrific thing. I was 6 months, almost 7 months pregnant when I lost her. She was so excited to meet my son. I was her first grandchild, having her first GREAT grandchild. I would call her frequently just to see what she was up to, and she’d do the same. She always wanted to see my belly. She lived two hours away from me, but I still went there during most of my pregnancy to stay. I spent a lot of time with my nanny and her sister. In a way, I didn’t feel like I was meant to enjoy the birthing of my son. How are you supposed to celebrate this new life when you just lost one? I know that sounds a bit harsh, but I was terrified that if I embraced my sons arrival, that I was embracing her passing, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to forget her. I also didn’t want it to consume my thoughts and fog the blessing that was right in front of me. I know she would want us to be happy and to get all of the baby hugs and kisses, but there’s still that pit inside of you, you know? I felt selfish enjoying being a mom, because she wanted so badly to be there with me and my son. It was a lot of “do you even deserve this,” type of thing.

My Nanny was the first person I had ever lost that I was close to. I had been to family funerals before, but nothing like this. I could feel my heart shattering inside of my chest. I couldn’t catch my breath, all while being scared that if I stress too much, something would happen to my baby. Everyone wanted me to be calm, but it’s so hard. I would sit and stare into space wondering why she had to leave so soon. I couldn’t take part in any form of conversation. Hearing how sorry everyone was, it was getting overwhelming. They were setting something in stone that my mind was not ready to accept. It’s like the moment she passed, every memory with her that I had made flooded through my mind. Every small thing had a memory attached with her. It was really hard trying to stay level headed.

I catch myself still talking to her. My son is one now, and every new thing he does, I will look up to her and ask if she saw. I believe she’s still here. I believe she watches over us and keeps us safe. I had a picture of her sitting in my living room. It was really hard at first to look at it, so it sat under my end table, where it wasn’t quite visible unless you purposely bent down to look at it. I’ve gotten better. The picture now sits on my display shelf, you can’t miss her beautiful face. Declan knows who she is. He knows that picture is of his Nan. I will always remind him of how much she wanted to know him, and how much he was loved by her, before they even met. Her memory will never fade in my house.

Loss sucks. There’s not really any cure besides time. I know not everyone wants to hear that, but it’s true. The loss of my nanny taught me, that not everything can be fixed with kind words, and “i’m sorry’s.” Even with time, you will still have those days where you just want to curl up and cry for a week because you miss someone who you can no longer speak with. Loss teaches you to value the ones you still have time with. Make every day great. Make memories with your loved ones, because one day, that’s all you will have left. The hole inside of your heart may never completely heal, but it is possible to learn to deal with losing someone. It’s not easy. It’s not meant to be when you care for someone so much. Just hold on. Keep those memories alive. You don’t have to forget someone to heal. You don’t have to let the loss consume you, either. Think of all the happy times, and the love that was shared. Continue sharing that love and the laughter with the ones still around you. Everyone grieves differently. Just remember, we have the power to make any situation a little better than it actually is. You can wallow in the sadness, or you can choose to keep the memory alive and continue sharing the love that your loved one gave to you.