Baby Blues & Coffee

First time mothers, we’ve all been warned of the vile “Postpartum Depression.” Don’t take the warnings lightly, it can happen to any of us. Myself, I experienced a tad bit of depression after having my son. I wasn’t even aware that it was happening until I voiced it to my mother.

It all started for me, when I was becoming so tired just after doing the smallest of tasks. I was and still am a “SAHM.” I was with my son all hours of the day. We’ve been stuck to each other’s side from the moment he was born. The first week he was born, and maybe even the first month, he was waking up every two hours for a bottle and a new diaper. Not uncommon for newborns, but very uncommon for me. I was having a hard time adjusting to a new sleep schedule I guess you could say. My husband did help, don’t get me wrong. We would take our turns getting him. This spiked my feelings of depression just because my husband has to wake up at 5:30 every morning for work. I felt like I was adding stress to his days, when it should’ve just been me. I mean, I don’t have to wake up at 5:30 A.M. and stay out to work until evening hours, so why was I making him help? It would eat at my soul thinking I was incapable of taking care of my son by myself. I would constantly ask myself “Why do you let him get our son? You are able to nap throughout the day, he isn’t. GET HIM YOURSELF!” I became moody, and was unable to carry a decent conversation with my husband. None of it was his fault, it was my own. I was becoming mean.

Adding on to the moodiness, and being tired, there were tears. I had cried so much just feeling hopeless. My son would cry and I couldn’t understand why. I was unable to stop him sometimes, or to comfort him completely. I began to feel like I was in no way, shape, or form, a good mother. I didn’t even feel like I was decent at being a mom. It was just me and Declan sitting here all day. My husband was able to go out and communicate with other adults. He made friends. He was free of anything “baby” related for hours at a time, each day. It made me sad. I became envious of the fact that he was able to get away each day. I love my son more than anything in this world, but at the time, I was being selfish. I was thinking only of me. How I was feeling, not anyone else. I started missing my freedom before him. I was living my life as a young adult through girls I followed on Instagram. Seeing them all dressed up, and going out with friends. I wasn’t even able to wear jeans anymore, and never had the time to fix my hair or put makeup on. I felt alone, I guess you could say. I was scared.

Speaking of living through others, I became obsessed with the way my body had changed, and not in a good way. I had stretch marks, love handles, and a pooch on my belly. I was miserable. I felt so disgusted by my own appearance that I wouldn’t even look at myself in the mirror for months. I steered clear of anyone taking photographs. I wouldn’t even show myself on Facetime with family members. I began watching these moms on Youtube, and just wondered how they did it, was it even real? They had all the cleaning done, they were skinny and beautiful and had just popped a baby out a couple weeks ago, and their children seemed so perfect. I didn’t understand how they were managing all of that, and I wasn’t even able to get the clothes out of the dryer that had been in there for three days. I had endless amounts of things that needed done throughout each day. With a baby, those things get postponed. What ever I was doing, I had to stop the moment my son awoke. He needed all of my attention, so I gave it to him. I didn’t understand the importance of self care.

My son was about three or four months old before I started realizing I needed some me time. Things that don’t require tending to him every second of every day. I laid out a schedule, and informed my husband it needed to be done. I was on antidepressants which did help, but not nearly as much as I was hoping. I was still having these moments of depression and anxiety. I planned nights for myself to enjoy a bubble bath, a glass of wine and face masks, two or three times a week. I found myself unable to enjoy them though, because the moment my son would cry and I could hear him from the bathroom, I needed to come to him. I know my husband is very capable of caring for our son, but as a mother, someone who is with him all hours of every day, I feel like he needs me the most. Whether he realizes it or not, that’s what I think. I’ve grown to know the difference between my sons cries, and when he babbles little words, I know what he means. When he makes certain gestures, I understand what he wants. I’ve molded myself to be THAT mom. The one that never WANTS to leave his side, no matter how I feel, or what I have previously said. I am the mother that wants all things good for my son. He comes before me.

So mommas, if you’ve felt this way, or something similar, just know you aren’t alone. A baby is a huge shift in your daily life. I’ve learned that I am actually a damn good mother. He’s very healthy, well taken care of and has more than he needs. I take pride in being Declan’s mom. Yes, self care is important. Start with the smalls things. For me, a cup of coffee early in the morning while my son drinks his bottle is more than enough. It knocks my daily tasks into place. It takes time, and it takes work, but one day, you will be okay! Every sad thought that has ran through your head after your baby, it will all make sense. YOU are a great mother, and YOU will make it through. Take a deep breath, sip a hot cup of coffee or tea, and look at your sweet baby… You don’t want to be anywhere else. You’re right where you belong, which is exactly how I feel. One day your baby will no longer be a baby, and they won’t need you as much as they do now. Enjoy every speck of what raising a baby takes. It takes a lot, and we can all do it!